A bad mom moment

I feel like a bad mom.

Maybe you feel this way too.

Perhaps you've thought, where in the hell did summer go? One minute I was rejoicing the last day of school and the memories that we were going to make and then life happened. Now, the kids are back to school, I'm still struggling to get a grip on life and I feel like I've let something special slip between my fingers.

For me it was this farm. This stupid "24/7 business that I have no control over and I'm loosing more than I'm gaining" farm. These cows who took more of my energy, more of my sweat and time than my kids. This place that isn't fun anymore....

Because, right now; I don't feel like I'm creating a future I feel like I'm losing the present.

I wanted to take my kids to the bay last weekend. It was the last weekend before school started and it was beautiful weather. I wanted to get ice cream, put my toes in the sand and listen to the waves. I wanted to breath.

Here though, the farm come first. The hay was cut, and the relief milker couldn't make it in, and the kids spent the weekend with grandparents. The farmer and I worked here. Angry with ourselves, angry at the situation, and angry with the farm. And while I was here being grouchy I began to realize I did no "adventures" with my kids this summer. Yes, we spent time together. Together in the tractor, truck, and barn. But that wasn't what I'd had in mind back in June.

I'm not sure where the lesson in this lies. I know how people say growing up on the farm is the best experience for kids; but I can understand why some farm kids grow up and leave the farm. Parents aren't perfect and I will learn from this feeling.

Being Farm Kids

"I wasn't raised in a barn but I got here as fast as I could"

That definitely apply's to me. My first day in a barn didn't happen until I was 24 years old. My kids on the other hand don't know anything other than life on the farm. And I'm glad for that. For them.

My children have fallen asleep to the sound of pulsator's. They have crawled and learned to walk smack dab in the middle of the parlor. And they've been exposed to more germs in the first 12 months of life than you'd probably like to hear about.

My children have no idea that a lot of families have Saturdays and Sundays off or go on vacations to visit new places. They don't realize that most Dad's and Mom's who work can't take their kids with them. And learning to drive a tractor at 5 is not the norm.

Rain days are their favorite because Dad stays inside. They drink from the well and run around outside exploring until the bugs start to bite. And on good days they get hosed down in the milk house before they take a shower because Mom's tub just can't handle that much dirt.

My children are learning things before they even know they are being taught. Kindness, compassion, loss, independence.This is just life for them and I hope one day they find the beauty in it. I continue to learn every day with them and these memories we make remind me I don't want life any other way. For them or for me.

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